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i.am.nina
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Date:2010-10-30 14:57
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I've never been more stable and happy at the same time. This is probably going to be the time in my life I look back at during some point.

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Date:2010-10-18 10:53
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I just finished watching the Social Network and it made me miss livejournal. Not that I keep it updated, since every time I update I tell myself, "im going to update more". Theres not too many people on here anymore. I think I say that in every entry too. Anyway.

I went to slab city for the first time yesterday. Along with the mud pot mountain things and Salvation Mountain. It was real cool, and we got to hang out with Ernies neighbors that live on the slabs. We had sandwiches and listened to one of them tell jokes. I took what I could from it, although most of the time I was terrified I was going to get stung by a bee.

Dustin is in the process of buying a house still. We (we) are waiting for an offer on a little house with a big yard in Seely. One could only imagine what it looks like at 34,000$ but he has extra money to fix it up. Plus I like living out in the country and so does he, so it's a benefit. It's not like anybody talks to their neighbors anyway.

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Date:2010-09-24 17:13
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I'm playing a show tonight for the first time :)

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Date:2010-09-11 11:11
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Sometimes feelings and memories and stories all go by so fast

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Date:2010-08-18 08:51
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Can't sleep. I'm in bed listening to dustin burp in his sleep. Insomnia kicks in when you don't get what you want I suppose. I really need a place to call my own. Its getting tiring, tip toeing and always wearing a shirt to the bathroom. Having to drive somewhere else to shower. Packing and unpacking and packing again. But not paying rent will be good for awhile so I can save up. My mom doesn't bother me whatsoever, just living in a place that's not my own. It never was my home, even living there before. I have no room to complain though. I'm surrounded by depressing stories other than dustin. He's got his shit together. He's almost too good, which gives me doubts because its happen to me in the past. I don't want to be one of those people that puts walls up because they've been hurt but I'm tired of having these expectations on people and eventually being let down. I hope I've never done that to someone.

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Date:2010-08-06 17:55
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I will post more often soon. Sometime soon. Things are great though.

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Date:2010-07-19 14:45
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Just got to work and using the computer here. I'm surprised at how easy it is not having cable or internet, especially now since I barely live at my own house. James has basically taken over while I clean occasionally and let my bunny out. Not a bad thing, I've been out mostly hanging out with Dustin or at work. He's officially the boyfriend now. Seems strange barely updating but lots has happened. I feel more satisfied, more of myself. I laugh more, and the real kind of laugh that makes you feel good to sleep. I smile when I wake up.

In other news I came to the valley weighing at about 145 pounds more or less. I had to buy new jeans today even though last week I bought some and dropped down yet another size. I ate a huge sandwich and weigh 126 right afterwards. I'm not complaining aside from the fact I have to buy new jeans. I accidently bought a bigger gauge for my nose ring that hurt. This is shitty information, I'm sorry. I've got lots to say but most is hard to come out because it's more than a feeling.

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Date:2010-07-12 17:03
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Since i've been gone James and I broke up but still live together. Something he did made me seriously make up my mind, and no he didn't cheat on me. It will remain silent and for those of you that know it will most likely remain that way. In the process I found someone who I've been talking to. Isn't it awkward taking a guy to your house when your ex boyfriend lives there? Yes. But we aren't planning on moving soon considering our year lease. James and I have been getting along as roommates and hopefully soon as friends. The person I met is beyond my expectations and is REALLY cool. Having someone that resembles me and that I'm physically attracted too also helps. I'm still working, not anything new with that. I've lost great contact with all my friends considering what's been going on but I've made new ones along the way. Things happen for a reason :)

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Date:2010-06-02 23:17
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I found a 2 bedroom cute ass aztec house for $695 that James and I will be splitting. We already got approved and just have to look at the inside. If we like it on Friday for the showing, we get to move in by Sunday. I have a math final on Saturday and 2 Monday-Tuesday that I dont care too much about. Almost done and becoming a big grown up now.

Time for a big ass flat screen tv and working 80 hours

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Date:2010-05-22 16:33
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Life has been going good. Finals are just around the corner and I'll officially have my Associates degree. Then I'm taking a break from school for a long long LONG time and working. Getting my own place and finally paying for my own rent. Also almost 10 months with the boyfriends, things have been fine. We get along, which wasn't necessarily the issue but oh well. He got a job with me and starts on the first, so that helps a lot. Other than that, mom is good, Pepper the bunny is good, and I've lost 15 pounds. Woohoo.

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Date:2010-05-09 21:16
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Things have been difficult. School, work, trying to exercise everyday (ive lost 13 pounds), my boyfriend driving me insane. I feel like a teacher, and I don't have time to teach him everything, and I feel like I don't want to anymore. I know that if he leaves I'll regret but I've felt like I've just been settling. Is settling okay if it keeps you more mentally stable but leaves you unsatisfied?

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Date:2010-04-22 14:07
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Oh hi Livejournal. Forgot about you.
Still working, going to school (sort of) and have been a little m.i.a from all the friends. It's been too stressfull at the boys house and in a few weeks my boyfriend will be moving into my house because of all the chaos of being evicted. They were going to 'find a place together' but you know that never happens. Coming from experience. It's just sad to see him go through somewhat what I went through. Him being at my house will be helpfull though for both him and me. He'll sort of have a restart button where he could look for a job with little distractions and I need someone to do errands around the house for my mom and I.

Besides that it was my birthday April 14th-I turned 22. I went to Coachella with my mom for 3 days and it was amazing.

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Date:2010-04-02 12:59
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Got the highest grade on my math test in class woo hoo
Besides that, things have been busy for me. Working on the weekends, going to school, trying to lose weight. Perfect timing for Spring break, i need that few days to relax.

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Date:2010-03-22 17:59
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I am SO exhausted from life

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Date:2010-03-18 14:25
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Cross posted from my Suicidegirls blog about Dr. Strong from El Centro, CA:



Today I had to go to the doctors for a physical exam in order to finish my paperwork for my new job. As he was doing the regular checking of my lungs and throat, he began to go off on a tangent about health care and Obama. He's a hardcore republican, and makes that apparent, but i dont really give a shit when it comes to my doctors. Give me my medicine and I'll be out of your way.

Only this time he decided to talk for a good 20 minutes, his voice escalating and fingers pointed quite closely. I usually don't have a comfort level, and it takes me a long time to get generally pissed off at a stranger, but I was EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I told him, "look, I dont give a shit about your political views about Obama so lets just fill out this paperwork and I'll be out of your way." These are a few things he said afterwards: "I want to kill all democrats for voting for Obama. He's stupid, he-blahblahblah *ignore moment*. YOU SHOULDNT HAVE VOTED FOR HIM!!!!" I was pretty shocked.

"What makes you think I voted for him or that I'm even a democrat?" I say calmly, which is about the only other thing I said. He preceded to stare me down as I asked him, "oh its because of the way I look?" and he said "WELL YEAH". After this I just gave up, walked out and told the people at the front desk what he had said and that I will be changing doctors after tommorow (i have to go back in to get a TB test from the nurse). The people waiting just nodded their head and said, "hes just like that honey".

That's not an excuse, and I'm tired of people agreeing with me but nothing is to be done. Yeah he's annoying, yeah he preaches about god and politics and bullshit like that but the moment I get uncomfortable in a situation where he's prescribing ME medication and checking out my health, draws the line. My mother and I are going to sit down tonight to see what could be done because I know there are plenty of patients that go through the whole thing too, but when you say "democrats should be killed" at a doctors office to a sick little tattooed girl, it's a little out of line.

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Date:2010-03-17 02:48
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I really was getting tired of reading that entry but I have nothing really to say. Things are fine. I'm on a diet and exercise plan and I've lost an inch on my waist in the past 2 weeks but I was on my period so I'm going to just make myself feel better and still count that. I also got a job working for my aunt and I start Friday. woohoo

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Date:2010-03-10 01:46
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I figure, there's only a few people who read this and I had to get this out of my system. Honestly I don't care who reads it because people can put two and two together.

I'm still not handling the breakup with Mitch well.

It's been almost a year since I have left, since we broke up. I figured when I left it would be like any other break up: I'd cry for a couple weeks, and forget he ever existed. Only, he still exists. When I close my eyes he's there in the background. Not necessarily a main character in my dreams or nightmares, but he's there. I wake up crying, because sometimes my dreams are so real that I forget where I'm at. It feels like I'm creating memories that don't exist when I have dreams with him. These have been happening almost 2 times a week for months. This shits ridiculous. Because I really think I don't like him. And I probably don't. I'm pretty sure I don't. The person that I came to see that was REALLY him, wasn't the person I thought he was. I'm glad we broke up, I'm glad I was able to see it and be hit in the head with reality. It was traumatizing though.

And I use that word lightly. Some kids get trauma just by hitting their head when they fall off their bicycle. Some things just happen and you can't find what triggered it. I'm trying to sound the least dramatic so give me a break. I wish I could give myself a break, because I'm only trying to tell myself this outloud.

When I started dating James it was unexpected. He was, by NO MEANS, a rebound when I moved here. We had sex, and it was strictly that for a while. We came to enjoy each others company and to this day I still think he's the sweetest guy that means no harm. We are in different times of our lives which pisses the hell out of me because he's a great boyfriend. I won't let him go, even if we are friends. We stopped having sex months after, and if we did, it was normally because I was wasted. It wasn't his fault. One night I opened my eyes and SAW my ex boyfriend. Ever since then, I haven't even wanted to be touched. I can't get myself to tell him such horrible things like that, because nobody wants to hear that. Plus, I've given myself so many other excuses that make way more sense. Why make it more complicated.

Now, when I hear a song on the radio that I use to listen to during the time Mitch and I were dating or even after, I tear up. This shit is suppose to happen when your wounds are still fresh. I feel like after almost a year, my scabs are continuously ripped and poked with by an imaginary face.

I don't even know what to do, because I've been moving on. And like I said, I dont even like the person he is, but I don't know what I'm trying to get past. I dont know what I'm trying to move on from, but I know he is still haunting me. Something is still haunting me from that place. I also think I'm being more attracted to women because ladies are so far from his face. Ladies are new (well not NEW, but new as of this year i suppose for me) and dreamy and something that is a possibility to solve these psuedo problems.

Sometimes I close my eyes and I can feel the beach when I was taking pictures of you. Knowing that this was the moment of my life where I can finally be happy and end up with a white picket fence. Fuck your picket fence. Fuck your book of lies. Fuck your peice of shit cookie cutter resume and fuck your dumb indie wannabe girlfriend.

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Date:2010-03-08 22:49
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So. I think I've decided to just start dating ladies now. Only there arent any ladies here that are available and attractive and like ladies all at the same time. I still haven't decided when to tell my ex boyfriend yet who still sleeps in my bed sometimes. We sleep with our backs together because we're lonely. I think. Also, don't send me rude comments about this, please.

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Date:2010-02-27 15:27
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I don't even feel like following directions anymore. They never worked for me all too well anyways.

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Date:2010-02-19 15:47
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Probably will be coming in about a week or so

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